By Amit Katwala, writing from England
"Unstoppable moron Sepp Blatter tries out an unfamiliar sport"
Sepp Blatter wants to make football more exciting. As part of his ongoing mission to ruin our favourite sport, he is working with a task force consisting of football administrators, current and ex-players and medical experts with the aim of introducing changes for the 2014 World Cup in Brazil.
Here are some of the things I think Sepp and his team will come up with:
1. New points system
Blatter has his doubts about the current allocation of points in the group stages of international tournaments. He said: “Three points for a win and one for a draw is something we can discuss and decide if it’s a good thing.”
FIFA are reportedly investigating a number of alternatives, but Sepp’s favourite is rumoured to be a system where the points are awarded to the team that transfers the most money to his Swiss bank account.
Let’s face it, this is the only way Qatar are going to get out of the group stage in 2022.
2. Goal-line technology
FIFA will finally bow to calls for goal-line technology and achieve their aim of making matches more exciting by mounting deadly lasers on the crossbar, programmed to go off at random intervals. Years from now, people will watch Youtube videos of Lionel Messi dancing through the opposition defence before being instantly vaporised by a beam of high-energy light.
FIFA will respond to complaints that too many teams are putting 10 men behind the ball by introducing a second ball into dull matches. Of course, if the ball for the next World Cup is anything like the Jabulani, it will just mean twice as many souvenirs for the crowd to take home.
4. “Is the golden goal worth another look?”
Well, no. But Sepp thinks it is, and thanks to the absence of democracy and transparency at the heart of FIFA, thats all that matters.
In the past, he has looked to other sports for inspiration, and this will continue with the implementation of a slightly tweaked Golden Goal rule. In the event of a draw after 90 minutes, a magic golden ball that flies around the field will be introduced. Teams that manage to score with this ball will instantly win the World Cup.
How exciting is that?