(Not) in the news this week

by Amit Katwala, writing from London

1. Newcastle fans are outraged as owner Mike Ashley spends the proceeds from Andy Carroll’s sale to Liverpool on a 40 foot solid gold statue of himself outside St. James’ Park, flabby arms outstretched like the Angel of the North (above).

2. Liverpool announce plans to re-sign Craig Bellamy, forming a formidable attacking trio in combination with Gerrard and Carroll. Unfortunately they end up doing more attacking off the pitch then on it. Nightclub patrons of the North-West, beware!

3. Car-crashing, injured player-taunting, spitting machine El-Hadj Diouf cuts short his loan move to Rangers, reportedly because the citizens of Glasgow were a bit too rough for him to handle. 

4. Not deterred by constant rejection during January, Harry Redknapp redoubles his efforts to sign everyone in the world by offering disgraced ex-Sky TV pundit Andy Gray a second chance as a player. Redknapp said: “I’d like to see how he gets on with this modern ball. Maybe he’ll try a few headers from 30 yards.”

Sadly, no such opportunity is offered to Gray’s former colleague, Richard ‘Do me a favour love’ Keys, who takes up a job as a window repairman to make ends meet. “Did you smash it?”

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