Cheeky Chip

From Paul the Octopus to Joachim’s Boogers, it’s the Seven Wonders of the World Cup 2010

By Darshan Joshi

We learn plenty over the course of a World Cup, don’t we? We realise the unimportant things, like the ability Germany have without Michael Ballack, like the fact that we’ll have a new World Cup winner this summer, like the fact that we’re all now going to have vuvuzelas line our attics, and like the fact that once and for all, we now know that the England national team are made up of a rubbish bunch of overpaid princesses.

Of course, none of that matters. We’re done with the World Cup, and it’s time to look back at seven of the brilliant events that have overshadowed this summer’s extravaganza.

Nike doesn’t write the future, Paul the Octopus does (and Mani the Parakeet!)

We’ve covered the curse of Nike’s wastefully overdone advertisement, but where one fails, another (two) succeed. Step up, Paul and Mani. They hail from opposing poles of the World but have pretty much one thing in common: they’re challenging the Lord. They may still be Gods of the animal kingdom, but to mess with humans like this? No way, we won’t stand for this.

Paul, the more mainstream of the two, is the story of the World Cup. He is the symbol of South Africa 2010. He correctly predicted all of Germany’s matches in the tournament, and also predicted Spain’s triumph over the Netherlands. Ladies and gentlemen, Paul the Octopus.

Raymond Domenech is a ‘son of a **ore’

What a way to have a go at a lunatic. Of course, if Nico Anelka said ‘you’re the son of your mother’s brother’, then Domenech may have an excuse for, and bear with my French, being a retard. However, it’s a bit of an opprobrium to prostitutes worldwide to now classify them as the cause of Raymond Domenech’s missing brain. Oh, the fact that the French government got involved, and called meetings pertaining to the French team’s failings makes their entire system quite the laughing stock.

Joachim Loew eats his boogers

It’s just a bit sickening. Your body gets rid of certain things (my biology isn’t amazing, so bear with me), not with the intention of having to deal with the same excretions for a second time. Not only did he pick his nose and eat the remains, he… well, you’ll see it in a moment.

Have a look at it here. Something that will live long in the memory of fans worldwide.

Diego Maradona is actually quite mad

We knew this, but perhaps not the extent to which this statement persisted. The Guardian, though, has fashioned an amalgamation of Maradona’s ridiculous behaviour and set it free for our reading pleasure.

David Beckham is the best-dressed man in the world

The picture says it all. He’s stylish; even when he’s angry he’s stylish. Even with crazy Crapello several yards away, he remains stylish. We’ve got to give him credit for emerging from the joke that is the England camp relatively unscathed, with his cufflinks shining brighter than the stars of the national side. Take a bow, beautiful Becks.

Howard Webb is refereeing the final? How rubbish does that make the FIFA officials?

Every weekend, Barclays Premier League viewers are forced to deal with the inept decision-making of one former policeman: Howard Melton Webb. His middle name is ‘Melton’ for goodness sake. You don’t take guys like that seriously, unless you’re Sepp Blatter and you find Mr Webb’s biceps threatening (or sexy, and you just want to see him in action).

We’ve had terrible decision occurring after terrible decision; Mexico and England are the two who have suffered the most from ghastly refereeing, and it seems like Howard Webb is now the best of a bad situation. (Note: Webb actually did very well in the Spain-Germany match)

THAT Paraguayan model is going all Eve

Have you seen her? Larissa Riquelme promised to run around the Paraguayan capital of Asuncion in nought but body paint representing the colours of Paraguay’s flag if Paraguay were to beat the Spaniards. That didn’t happen, but she decided she’d do it anyway. It may be a scheme to gain attention, but I don’t care. If only their flag was colourless, eh? She’s quite the bombshell.

P.S: Sorry I went overboard with the pictures. I’m sure you understand.